Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
