i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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