Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
