dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize