I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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