Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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