The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
