sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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