in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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