i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
