I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
