i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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