i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
