My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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