the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
