I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
