How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
