we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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