Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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