I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
