the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize