There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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