my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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