just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
