i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
