mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
