Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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