Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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