she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
