when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
