I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
