are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
