Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
