Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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