I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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