i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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