i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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