the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
