dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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