Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
