Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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