He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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