I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
soo... how was my night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
