I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
