I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize