i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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