Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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