the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
