I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
