and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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