You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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