She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
