So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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