My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
