i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
