Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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