I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
