i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
