Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I should be sponsored by Trojan
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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